The Fullbreasted Alchemist
by Chibi Haku
Summary: FEMME!ED. ROYxED. TOTAL CRACK. Roy Mustang was enjoying a quiet night in when Edward showed up on his doorstep with two lovely new... aquisitions.


As an egoist, Roy Mustang had long ago learnt a handful of very important lessons over the course of his life. They were truths, one could say, truths about the world that most people would find erroneous and more than a little self-serving, but he liked them. They were the things he lived by and the things that had advanced him as far up the military ladder as he had come, and they had done it quickly.

They had also given him a rather... spectacular... reputation amongst men and women alike.

The first of these rules to be Roy was incredibly simple and very, very easy to adhere to. It went as follows, "If you are trying to do something for the first time, you do it alone or with someone you trust not to talk if you screw up." The second; well, it was nearly as easy but it occasionally led one into a small amount of trouble. "Encourage any and all reputation enhancing rumours, regardless as to whether they are true, or fabrications." This had landed him in trouble a few times when a young intern had grown furious at the rumour that he'd slept with her and had announced, to the whole cafeteria that she was, insofact, a virgin.

The third and fourth were probably the hardest to maintain; the third being "act in a self-preserving manner and only for profit" and the fourth and ultimate rule to be Roy was "And, be a smirky, witty bastard while doing all of the above."

However, it was probably not that list of rules that had saved Edward's reputation one fateful night (Though the last one did its' best to sneak in from time to time.) Indeed, the above list had not crossed Roy's mind in the slightest as he looked into that young, pretty face and did...

...A good deed.

* * *

It was Thursday, the fifth of May, the night that everything started, though it must be noted that it was just _barely_ the fifth of May, being two O'clock in the morning and Roy wasn't aware of this fact yet. He was currently cuddled back in his large, leather armchair and sitting quite comfortably in front of a roaring fire while looking over a military report labelled, "The Fastest Way from Amestris to Xing is Too Long and Too Boring, and Hot. Don't Forget About Hot." (Written by Iva Loudmouth, a field alchemist with a rather unfortunate name. Pretty enough and cute in the face, but not really Roy's type.) Roy was just cringing at the sixth spelling mistake he'd found in the past ten minutes when his doorbell rang.

This struck Roy as odd, considering he was unaware both that he owned a doorbell and that it was a doorbell which sounded like someone playing Bach's Ode to Joy in the wrong key, with no fingers and who was completely tone deaf. Roy stayed where he was, but looked over at the door curiously, taking his gloves off the table and calmly slipping them on, in case whoever should have found his doorbell had malicious intent and was going to find some new and innovative way to open his door next. Roy needn't have worried so much as a voice rang out in the hallway a moment later, only slightly more melodious than the doorbell tone and with a frantic touch to it.

"BASTARD!" It cried, rather rudely and with a jolt, Roy realised why he hadn't thought that he had had a doorbell. Edward must have transmuted one. This of course, begged the question of just what Edward was doing outside his house at... (He checked the clock) two O'clock on Thursday morning. With a shrug, and still armed with his gloves in case Fullmetal wanted to knock the wind out of him for not answering sooner, Roy carefully and daintily stepped to the door of his house and slid it open, standing to one side as Fullmetal rushed past him without so much as a 'May I come in?'. Roy hadn't been expecting it, but it would have been nice.

"Close the door." Edward said quickly. He was hunched over, hiding his face behind his hair which was uncharacteristically out and hanging over his shoulders. His arms were clenched in front of him, his back was to Roy so the man couldn't see quite what he was doing and there was something... odd about him that Roy couldn't quite put his finger on.

Roy shrugged, and for once in his life obeyed an order from an underling, just because his brain had finally caught up with the time and had gone foggy from lack of sleep. The door latch closed and the boy's shoulders trembled at the noise before they heaved in a great sigh. "Fullmetal?" Roy tested the waters.

The boy stayed with his back facing the man.

"Edward?" Roy tried again, stepping closer and reaching out to turn the boy around.

"Don't touch me." The boy said; his voice slightly high from panic.

There was definitely something wrong with the boy and Roy reached out, spinning him around and ducking an automail arm flung his way. Fullmetal was top naked under his coat and looked ghostly pale. His lips were pursed and his brow was creased and very quietly, he muttered "...It ripped." Indicating a piece of black fabric he was holding. It seemed to be what was left of his shirt and jacket.

Roy stared.

Or, more correctly, tried to prevent himself from staring. "Fullmetal," he said very quietly, looking the boy over, "I'm not surprised."

For Edward was very... well endowed... with two very lovely breasts

* * *

They were full, they were round, they were pert, and they were not being stared at by one Roy Mustang. He wrenched his eyes away from Fullmetal's chest and stared at the wall. The wall was interesting. The wall was lovely and well painted. The wall had a spot on it that looked a bit like Edward's right nipple. Roy allowed himself another quick glance, (just for clarification, of course) and went back to fixedly staring at the wall.

On second glance, the spot looked nothing like a nipple at all.

He coughed, as politely as he was able. "Is the change... everywhere?" he asked as tactfully as he was able, still staring at that lovely spot on the wall.

There was a moment of embarrassed silence, in which Roy looked back over at Edward and found himself once again transfixed by the rather large, feminine objects he found there. Edward was trying to pull his red coat over them, but it wasn't quite working, they were just... too busty a bust for the material to hide them in the slightest. Edward frowned and shuffled, and Roy noted that he seemed more slender and dainty than before. His cheeks were slightly more refined and his shoulders were curved under the pulling material. "Yes." The boy (girl?) finally muttered and looked away, going red with embarrassment. (Such a strange emotion on Fullmetal, and did it have to light up his face in just that way? The boy was feminine enough before this, god dammit!)

"Do you mind if I ask... how?"

"Yes. I do mind." Edward snapped bitterly. "I'd like you not to speak of it. Now where's your phone, you bastard, I've gotta call Al."

Roy frowned. "Your voice is a good octave higher than normal. Your brother will immediately figure out that something is wrong."

Edward snarled and with a flourish (that made _them_ jiggle enticingly) flopped down onto Roy's couch.

"If one of us doesn't call him," The boy said in a totally reasonable tone, with his arms folded over his chest, "He'll think that something has happened to me."

Roy raised an eyebrow, but (wisely) let his silence speak for him.

"Okay, something did happen. But I can't just call him up and go 'Hey Al, Guess what? This psycho jumped me into an alley and alchemised me a sex change!' now, can I?"

There was a momentary pause in which Roy considered the fact that saying anything in this situation was probably going to get him hit in the mouth with an automail fist and he wondered if he really liked or needed his teeth enough to let out the snicker he was just managing to keep at bay at the back of his throat. It was actually quite an epic battle as it fought with his tongue and tonsils, the snicker was fighting valiantly, by hanging on to his uvula and lashing out with sharp nailed hands whenever his tonsils threatened to approach and his tongue tried in vain to push it to the roof of his mouth.

"You call him." Edward said.

The snicker gave one last death gurgle and plummeted down Roy's oesophagus, landing with a splash in his stomach. "Excuse me?" Roy said, looking at Edward incredulously.

"Well," said Edward with the air of stating the obvious, sprawling back across Roy's couch and once again the man had to wrench his gaze away from _those_, "I can't call him, so you have to do it instead."

The evil that resided in Mustang and lived for opportunities such as this suddenly reared its little head in delighted interest. He could almost see it resting on his left shoulder, complete with bat wings and a pitchfork. Shrugging, Roy went over to his personal phone and made as if dialling a number. The evil snickered. A sign blinked into fantasized existence over his right shoulder. It read, "Memo from Roy's conscience, Be back in 10."

"Oh, Alphonse!" Roy said to the dial tone, "How are you? Yes, I'm just informing you not to worry over your brother tonight." He paused and Edward looked over to him expectantly, Mustang made a gesture with his free hand as he listened to the dial tone for a moment. "Yes, yes. Just fine. In fact, he's currently top naked and sprawled across my couch. I was just about to go make co..." There was instantly an automail blade at his throat.

"Finish that sentence," Edward hissed dangerously, "And you don't live to see tomorrow."

Roy shrugged and handed over the receiver.

Edward listened for a moment, shot Roy the filthiest look he had ever been victim to in his life and promptly burst into very noisy tears.

* * *

.

* * *

_A/n: I should NOT write when I'm feverish, slightly delusional and hacking up blood. No I should not._

_-sighs and goes to take her medicine-_

_Enjoy this! I'll probably read it again when I'm well and wonder what the hell I was doing. Anyway for now I have plans to continue it. Whether I actually do is another thing entirely. _

_Please review!_


End file.
